A Battle Within

"The way light and darkness mix under my skin has become a storm. You don't see the lightning, but you hear the echoes." - Unknown

I constantly find myself struggling with a small (but present), internal battle about what I want this blog to be. When starting this venture, I had grand dreams for this blog and for my (future) stationery etsy shop. However, I'll find myself reverting and questioning myself, and really trying to figure out if that's what I want. I look at countless blogs that are beautiful and sometimes I wish I could emulate them. I wish I could turn out amazing DIY projects for people to fawn over and post beautiful pictures of awesome creations and make this blog just as cool and pretty as theirs. And then days, like today, come up and I'm confronted with the fact that my blog won't be like that. I don't have the expenses, the drive, or the connections to be as successful as them. And yes, they did start out at ground zero, just like me, here, with nothing but an idea, and they went with it, and for them it turned out. But I find myself questioning whether or not I want that. And more often than not, the answer is no.

I love DIY projects and beautiful photography and awesome, pretty things--if you know me, you know I'm obsessed with cute packaging and pretty cupcakes and cute details--but frankly, that just doesn't do it for me. When I really look at the kind of person I am and the kind of person I want to be, that person isn't really one of those typical blogger types. Honestly, I'm pretty broke. I wish I had the money to buy sweet project stuff and more cute packaging supplies , but the truth is, I'm not made of money or sponsorships. And while I promise I'm not talking down upon the blogs that do have sponsors and the money to keep up a great blog--I actually really admire them and looove looking at them and condone them for working hard to achieve that kind of success--I'm realizing more each day it's not for me. And that's not to say I will never post beautiful packaging or a fun DIY I did because those are still things that I really enjoy, but it's just not something I'm going to strive for anymore.

I'm 20 years old. I'll be 21 next month. I'm young. I have a hard time meeting new people and making connections because I get anxious and don't like putting myself out there all the time. And while I want to be successful one day, I'm not that concerned with it for the time being. Sure, money is great, and really helpful when you're living out on your own (with your fiancé, of course!), but I don't want to get so serious yet. I'm emotional, I act my age, and then I act 10 years younger than that. I like doing things because I want to do them, not because it'd be a great opportunity for some cool pictures and a story for my blog. I want to live and experience life and make choices because they're choices I really just want to make. I find a lot of life beautiful, so many small things catch my attention, so many things intrigue me. I'm still trying to figure out who I am, and who I want to be, and it's kind of messy sometimes. I think I want one thing, but then I want another, and then I'm back at the start wanting the first thing again. One great example, this blog; the reason for this post. But I'm finally realizing where I do and do not want this blog to go.

I want to share my inspirations. I want to share things I like. I want to share my life. Honestly, I don't think my blog will really change much since I hadn't really taken a big plunge into trying to be just like the blogs I admire so deeply. I've just been doing my thing, posting what I want, though sometimes questioning if it was something I should do or if it was "cool enough" to be on the blog. And I'm so over that! I just want to post things because I want to, and I want people to read them (or not) because they want to. I started this as an extension of a future business I want to start, and while I still want to start that and have that be a part of my life, I want it to only be a small part. I don't want to be branded with the whimsy + wild name. I want my own name. I want my blog to be an extension of me, not the other way around. I want to be an artist of a different sort. I want to draw and paint and have a beautiful, messy studio, and live and just feel free. I want to create things that might be weird to some, but feel right at home with me. I want to make that kind of art, the kind of art that really speaks to me, and then when I want to, I can make simple, hand-lettered and -illustrated home goods that are beautiful and functional, but as a side business--because I still love that kind of art, and it still speaks to me, but in a quieter voice. I feel like, for me, when it comes to stationery and that whole side of me, I try too hard to be like the other stationery shops I see and love, and I can't do that to myself. I have something to offer that is unique to me, and that will have my voice in it and nobody else's. And I'm okay with that. I'm very, very okay with that.

So, this post is to declare myself free from my own made-up constraints. Really, to you, nothing will seemingly change on this blog, but for me, it will be so freeing having written this down. I can't wait to keep sharing my inspirations, my art, and my very beautiful though sometimes confusing life, with you.